Chur establishes Switzerland's first hunter hatch

Finally, professional help in Graubünden for overwhelmed family members of hobby hunters.

Good news for families! Due to increasing violence and stupefaction within the hobby hunting community, Switzerland's very first hunter hatch has been established in Chur.

Since 15 February, hobby hunters who, for example, place excessive strain on their families or attract attention through militant behaviour can be dropped off there anonymously. Even those from other cantons are to be accommodated with health insurance cost approval.

More and more hobby hunters abandoned abroad

«Increasingly, hobby hunters were being abandoned abroad or even secretly killed, while the number of abandoned infants dropped to virtually zero,» explains Silvia Casutt from Caritas Graubünden, who now manages the hunter hatch together with Frohmut.

«Anyone who, for example, places an alcoholic hobby hunter or a hobby hunter in a game-meat delirium here can rest assured that the patients are in the best of hands.»

In winter, the hatch leads directly into a heated bed that protects the wildlife killers from frostbite. «The facility still dates from the time when the baby hatch was here,» says department head Dr. Mario Cavigelli to the reporter from IG Wild beim Wild at the opening ceremony. «Fortunately, most hunters are so wizened that they fit in there perfectly.»

Closing the flap again triggers an electronic alarm and summons help from inside the building. «The hunters are then nursed back to health, properly stabilized on medication, and seated in front of a large-screen television showing nothing but Blu-rays of Maya the Bee,» Dr. Mario Cavigelli continued. «You should see how the dimwits — who have often spent their entire lives gleefully and unconscionably preying on defenceless wild animals — light up when they see Maya, Willy, and the pretty flowers again.»

Therapeutic Enema and Drug Trial

The following morning, clients receive a good therapeutic enema with fresh spring water from the Calanda massif at 07:00, before breakfast. After the psychiatric examination they are transferred during the course of the day to the Ucello psychiatric facility in the Upper Engadine.

Georg Brosi from the Office for Hunting and Fishing in Graubünden is also said to be a weekend patient at Ucello. Brosi’s motto — «It gives one particular pleasure to shoot an animal one knows» — did not go down well, and not only within his own family. Animal lovers in Graubünden are deeply troubled. Everyone is therefore delighted when specialists in the department for «neurological anomalies» attempt to regulate Georg Brosi’s brainwaves to a reasonable level.

The entire board of the association Jagd Schweiz has reportedly also agreed to receive the seventh-generation drug «No-Hunt-Forte 7000» by Huntsman Corporation Utah/USA on the first weekend of each month for a period of one year at the Ucello clinic, as part of a pilot project.

Hundreds of affected members of the Graubünden patent hunters’ association are also taking part in the drug trial. Hope springs eternal! According to promising results from serial killer studies in America, this medication is said to be capable of even reversing genetic defects! The drug has «road-to-Damascus» potential. Sales figures in the USA are quite literally going through the roof — psychiatrists, as well as animal, nature, and species conservationists, are thrilled.

Dr. Mario Cavigelli firmly rejects the criticism that the hunter drop-off makes it too easy for family members to get rid of unwanted hunters: «The option exists to change one's mind even afterwards. Since the hunter drop-off was introduced, 19 out of the 1’247 patients handed in have been taken back. Besides: if our service brings even just one hunter to their senses, causes them to stop tormenting wildlife associations, and makes them an upstanding member of society, it will have been worth it.»