Job Advertisement: JagdSchweiz seeks hobby hunters (m/f/d) for the 21st century

JagdSchweiz is the umbrella association of Swiss recreational hunters.

We represent around 30,000 members and see ourselves as the voice of armed nature appreciation. Our association wields one of the most powerful lobbies in the Federal Assembly and has reliably ensured for decades that contemporary animal welfare improvements are blocked, national park projects are prevented, and biodiversity protection areas are reduced to a European minimum. In environmental rankings, our members occupy last place – a consistency we take pride in.

Recently, a court in Bellinzona confirmed that virtually everything that is cruel, unnecessary, and heartless is promoted by hunting associations. We regard that as a compliment.

Your Tasks

You sit on an unauthorized elevated stand and operate precision technology that compensates for your incompetence: computer-controlled rifle scopes, night vision devices, drones, thermal imaging cameras, and GPS trackers. A true hunter from a native population would laugh at you, but at least you have WiFi.

You hunt wildlife until it becomes nocturnal, runs into cars, and flees into forests or residential areas. There, together with cantonal hunting administrations, you blame the animals for causing "damage" and demand higher culling quotas. We call this elegant cycle "the business model" internally.

You recruit new members directly in schools – because the best customers are gained young. JagdSchweiz promotes cult-like image campaigns in which armed hobby hunters pose as "nature educators" before animal-loving children and explain why killing is actually care. The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child protects minors from violence? A matter of interpretation. JagdSchweiz calls it "environmental education." Experienced child psychologists call it something different.

For a single shot at a wild boar, you invest between 60 and 80 hours and use up to 15 cartridges – while a wildlife officer in the Canton of Geneva accomplishes the same task in 8 hours with a maximum of two cartridges. JagdSchweiz is convinced that efficiency is overrated.

Your Profile

Emotional callousness toward animal suffering is not a weakness at JagdSchweiz but a core competency. In the pilot phase of the new empathy test, 94 percent of our members impressively demonstrated this qualification. The association dismissed the test from the Federal Office of the Environment as "ideologically motivated harassment" and announced legal action. We do that for everything we don't like.

You bring willingness to hunt hares and other species on the Red List and market this to the public as "biodiversity promotion." In the Canton of Geneva, where professional wildlife officers work and our members are not allowed to interfere, the hare density exceeds 17 animals per 100 hectares – a record. We see no connection.

You have basic knowledge in spreading diseases. Our members significantly contributed to ensuring that rabies actually spread during pest control. We pursue the same proven strategy with mange and fox tapeworm. After Lithuania, Switzerland already has the highest incidence per capita. JagdSchweiz is convinced: whoever creates the problem gets to offer the solution.

You possess the passion to shoot foxes and other predators and dispose of them in the trash. Culling planning, quotas, or scientific justification are not provided for at JagdSchweiz – they would spoil the fun.

We Offer

Membership in an association whose members are rooted in criminality like no other organization with legal status. JagdSchweiz sees this as a unique selling point. In the Canton of Grisons alone, there are over 1,000 charges or fines against our members each year. We are particularly proud of this – after all, we are well trained.

Unlimited alcohol consumption at organized hunts. If the Federal Office of the Environment actually implements the announced zero blood alcohol limit on elevated stands, JagdSchweiz will label the measure a "provocation" and – you can guess – announce legal action.

Permission to leave countless tons of lead and other highly toxic heavy metals in nature. JagdSchweiz markets this as communion with nature. The fact that lead poisons wildlife, humans, soil, and groundwater falls under "differentiated consideration."

Game meat that, according to the WHO, falls into the same risk category as cigarettes, asbestos, and arsenic. JagdSchweiz recommends selling it to your neighbors as "organic" – even though organic is a protected label that can never apply to your product. When customers complain, refer to tradition.

What JagdSchweiz Expects from You

Determined resistance against national parks, animal rights, and everything that sounds like common sense. Our association has successfully demonstrated this for decades. When analyzing our recreational hunters' faction in politics, you quickly recognize that exploitation and self-interest are the true motives. JagdSchweiz calls that "interest representation."

The ability to describe ecological imbalance as "regulation" while allowing populations of wild boars, deer, and roe deer to literally explode. This is not wildlife management – but JagdSchweiz has never had a sense for such distinctions. It's about organizing attractive hunts; everything else, like wildlife management, is smokescreen. In the chaos nature finds itself in after decades of care and cultivation by our gun-toting amateurs, we have finally managed to become laggards in European comparison across many statistics.

A commitment to "hunting ethics" – a concept that, according to critical analysis, has nothing to do with nature and animal protection but looks excellent printed on JagdSchweiz's association banner.

Application

Send your application materials to JagdSchweiz, P.O. Box "Bewildered," 3001 Bern – together with a selfie from your elevated stand and a brief cover letter explaining why you love animals and want to kill them anyway.

Or download the new association app "JagdMatch." Swipe right for the twelve-pointer, swipe left for the fox. Premium users get access to the "Golden Bullet" function: a guaranteed culling permit for a protected species.

JagdSchweiz – we shape nature as we like it. Since 1882.